I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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