dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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