i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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