I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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