I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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