I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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