All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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