I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
