look no pants
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
