She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
