I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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