You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
