Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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