Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
