hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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