hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize
