ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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