You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize