I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
