So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
