Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
