theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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