I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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