he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude. I can hear the air.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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