something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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