i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
