So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
