if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
