Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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