Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
