so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
