She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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