Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
