So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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