I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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