I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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