he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
