I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
