dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
