I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
