genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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