You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
