after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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