I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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