Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
