I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
