did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
