you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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