I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
