Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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