btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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