My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
