He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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