i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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