remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
