Umm I'm too high to move.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
